I'm Smokin my life away but what is it really for?
the satisfaction or the pain?
For the relief or the gain?
I roll the blunt and stare at it.
Should i do it light it up? Spark it?
Should i satisfy my hunger, my addiction?
What am i left without it?
Am i tricking myself to believe that with it?!
I'm invincble, that all my wounds will heal?
That i'll forget what he did?
And What she said?
That im in a better place up high,
floating around until i land on cloud 9.
Or should i look on the brighter side,
The lighter side.
Smoking is my pass time.
That passes time, in my mind.
That triggers the bullets that makes my memories hide.
Hitting tha blunt, until my frown is turned upside down
While I'm stuck smiling like a clown,
smiling to unknown happiness
Satisfying isnt it?
Until you look around in silence,
feeling misguided
So i put tha headphones in and blast tha sound.
Every beat and lyric runs throught tha blunt as i inhale it down
But it isnt enough,
the silence closes in
so i continue to search for my high,
until tha only thing i hear is my heart racing to the spead of sound.
My ear drums pumping to tha same flow as i slowly begin to drown.
I move my lips
To explain
I love this shit i say
Excuse me, What did i juss say
I love this shit. The escape.
The reality change. im happier. Wait no im happy again
Smoking dont hurt me its my friend. My conscious yells
No stop you dont understand nothing Heals, nothing mends
All your doing is feeling the hurt again.
Reliving the memory soberly
Your living your life poorly .my conscious says to me
But not me? Not I
Will give up my high
To much pride
That me? That I! am a coward and choose to hide in my high
To low to rancid to impure
To admit that me. YES I?
Am to ashamed of my insecurites to admit that me yes I.
Am nothing.
But still I roll another blunt and suffocate my pain/my sorrow/my dreams in my high
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Talking With GOD.
Talking to god is the hardest/easiest thing to do. (Just wait) When you are talking God picturing it as another form of venting. Do not look at it as if he is Imaginary, or if he isn't there, Because he is HERE and ALWAYS will be. Repeat this to yourself "You Don't see Oxygen but you believe you can breathe." God works in mysterious ways, when you were stress and worrying over a bill, With NO WAY to pay for it, If by the end of the month you found a way to get it done that was GOD. If you crying constantly because you were hopeless, That voice in your head telling you it will be ok, to GET up that's GOD. When you sitting down thinking negative those goosebumps that form on your skin is God.
God is so good at being Discrete Right now he is using ME to get you to LISTEN. Everything even the BAD is all in his plan. You would never know PEACE until you have seen WAR. Listen to what each tragedy teaches you. I wouldn't have know that laughing at people pain isn't inappropriate until it happened to me. I wouldn't have know the dangers of "Following the snake, and biting the Forbidden Fruit. The truth of the matter is I learned from my pain. But when do you know if its GOD or if its the DEVIL. well let me put it even more simply.
The Devil Distracts you. GOD Leads. The Devil Pushes you. GOD Pulls. The Devil Mocks you, God Encourages You. The Devil tells you What to do, While god Knows the only TRUE way for you to learn is for you to Go through and LEARN it yourself. God is not nor will he ever be a negative force. God WILL NOT leave you Hungry. HE will NOT lead you down the wrong Path and He will never LET YOU DOWN. just remember that talking to GOD is like talking to me. Take Your time He WILL Listen just give him a second to respond. You ain't the only one in the world you know ;) God bless and Rest easy.
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God is so good at being Discrete Right now he is using ME to get you to LISTEN. Everything even the BAD is all in his plan. You would never know PEACE until you have seen WAR. Listen to what each tragedy teaches you. I wouldn't have know that laughing at people pain isn't inappropriate until it happened to me. I wouldn't have know the dangers of "Following the snake, and biting the Forbidden Fruit. The truth of the matter is I learned from my pain. But when do you know if its GOD or if its the DEVIL. well let me put it even more simply.
The Devil Distracts you. GOD Leads. The Devil Pushes you. GOD Pulls. The Devil Mocks you, God Encourages You. The Devil tells you What to do, While god Knows the only TRUE way for you to learn is for you to Go through and LEARN it yourself. God is not nor will he ever be a negative force. God WILL NOT leave you Hungry. HE will NOT lead you down the wrong Path and He will never LET YOU DOWN. just remember that talking to GOD is like talking to me. Take Your time He WILL Listen just give him a second to respond. You ain't the only one in the world you know ;) God bless and Rest easy.
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Just Don't Forget Me
Everyone has a common fear on being forgotten, Left behind, Token for granted etc. I looked at myself in the mirror today and asked myself why I put up with the shit I do. I said because if I don't they will just leave. But why am I worried about them? why am I constantly arguing and fighting with who wouldn't blink twice if I was alive or dead? These people are not in my circle they aren't helping me, and they sure as hell ain't making anything any better. I was hurt I was confused all I wanted was for someone to love me for ME. If I didn't have enough money, if I didn't come with a gurantee, Half the time if I don't have weed, No one wants to see me. So what's the point? why am I trying constantly to be approved by someone who wouldn't even be approved by me.
So I asked myself again So why do you put up with it? Because I don't want to end up alone. I don't want to be that girl in the room taking every single shot and blunt I make, just to ignore the fact that I'm all alone. So why try and make someone happy who will eventually leave me, No amount of money or gifts can make ANYONE stay, so what am I really spending and wasting time and ENERGY on? For someone who claims "They loyal to me" for someone who claims "They my ride or die."? Where were they when I got Jumped by 3 n*ggas? They wasn't there not even my family rode out for me. Or that time I went to the hospital for a week? Where were they when I needed a shoulder to cry on because the only man to ever make me feel that he really loved ME, had just passed away... N*ggas didn't come through for me. N*ggas didn't call my phone and say I'm coming through just wait for me. I had to have CIGARETTES, MONEY, or WEED.
What type of homies are that? So I really sat back and took a good look at myself and I said you know your TOO beautiful, your TOO strong, Your amazing. You deserve so much better then that you know that.. I looked away from myself for a second and softly and said I know. When I looked back at myself and said. When your ready for real LOVE, come find me until then Just Don't Forget Me.
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So I asked myself again So why do you put up with it? Because I don't want to end up alone. I don't want to be that girl in the room taking every single shot and blunt I make, just to ignore the fact that I'm all alone. So why try and make someone happy who will eventually leave me, No amount of money or gifts can make ANYONE stay, so what am I really spending and wasting time and ENERGY on? For someone who claims "They loyal to me" for someone who claims "They my ride or die."? Where were they when I got Jumped by 3 n*ggas? They wasn't there not even my family rode out for me. Or that time I went to the hospital for a week? Where were they when I needed a shoulder to cry on because the only man to ever make me feel that he really loved ME, had just passed away... N*ggas didn't come through for me. N*ggas didn't call my phone and say I'm coming through just wait for me. I had to have CIGARETTES, MONEY, or WEED.
What type of homies are that? So I really sat back and took a good look at myself and I said you know your TOO beautiful, your TOO strong, Your amazing. You deserve so much better then that you know that.. I looked away from myself for a second and softly and said I know. When I looked back at myself and said. When your ready for real LOVE, come find me until then Just Don't Forget Me.
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Friday, May 22, 2015
Acceptance
For those of you who read my blog understand the route this is going to take, and for those who haven't just sit back this is going to be a good one. When it comes to acceptance it can take many shapes and forms. For example: Accepting the loss of a person, accepting the loss of a job, Accepting that the person you love doesn't love you back. The list can go on, but as I look into past I seen that all I was missing was acceptance. I searched for acceptance from my parents, I craved acceptance from the people I dated. I yearned for acceptance academically, and failed and finding acceptance within MYSELF.
Never let ANYONE make you feel as if you need their approval. Like I said a million times before YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF. When you love yourself, you WILL know what love is suppose to FEEL like. I looked around myself constant times not knowing that I was suppose to love myself. I was suppose to acceptance that I didn't wear the right clothes. I had to accept that I wasn't the right size that I wasn't always going to be cute enough or good enough, Simply because I wasn't made that way. I wasn't made To be everybody's favorite person, go to girl or GIRLFRIEND. I was made for someone who was made for me. It takes time to find the person that was made for you because you haven't grown into your full potential yet. You search and beg for acceptance yet you still don't find it because the confidence isn't there.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and said, Damn I look good today. Have you ever went out and just did you because you was having a good time out, without seeing if eyes were on you? Have you ever sat back and looked at your Past and said Damn I wish someone showed me love, well DoDo you was the one who should've have been loving you. Don't settle for less just because you need love, you need attention, you need ACCEPTANCE. you are and always will be IMPORTANT, SPECIAL, and BEAUTIFUL. You where created to be. You was Born That Way.
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Never let ANYONE make you feel as if you need their approval. Like I said a million times before YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF. When you love yourself, you WILL know what love is suppose to FEEL like. I looked around myself constant times not knowing that I was suppose to love myself. I was suppose to acceptance that I didn't wear the right clothes. I had to accept that I wasn't the right size that I wasn't always going to be cute enough or good enough, Simply because I wasn't made that way. I wasn't made To be everybody's favorite person, go to girl or GIRLFRIEND. I was made for someone who was made for me. It takes time to find the person that was made for you because you haven't grown into your full potential yet. You search and beg for acceptance yet you still don't find it because the confidence isn't there.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and said, Damn I look good today. Have you ever went out and just did you because you was having a good time out, without seeing if eyes were on you? Have you ever sat back and looked at your Past and said Damn I wish someone showed me love, well DoDo you was the one who should've have been loving you. Don't settle for less just because you need love, you need attention, you need ACCEPTANCE. you are and always will be IMPORTANT, SPECIAL, and BEAUTIFUL. You where created to be. You was Born That Way.
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Thursday, May 21, 2015
Naughty Neighbors
She looked at herself in the mirror. The outline of her Shape Against the wall from the flickering flame of the light was nothing compared to the real thing. She watched her Golden Brown skin as she pour her Milk and Honey body wash. The hot water had steam rising off the top like an amazing Mist. Getting into the tub she thought about her neighbor. His body always had a way of catching her off guard specially his night time work outs. She had the perfect view from the second bathroom and she was always in it. As she bathe she ran the water through her hair loving the feel of hot water warming her skin. As she stood to run the soap over her body something caught her eye in her Mirror.
Turning around there he was, Her neighbor His draw dropped and his eyes wide. "I... um I'm sorry The uh... I'll just go." She thought about it and said "Stop." He turned towards her naked body and adverted his eyes slightly. "yes" he said he voice slightly shaking. Am I really about to do this she thought. 'Please don't go" She said in a soft whisper her voice barely making a sound. He looked at her this time, His eyes looking into hers. "Are you sure this is what you want?" She Nodded Yes, Not even entirely convinced herself. He closed the door and stepped inside. locking them both inside he unbuckled his pants. causing his pants to drop to his ankles and his pulled his D*ck out and stroked it. Grabbing his belt and wrapped them around her hands tying the other end to the Rod.
She Gasped as he lifted her waist causing her to hang the rod and be suspended in the air. Her body still wet from the water slipped into his fingers as he worked his way inside of her. She wanted to push her hips against him, but all she could was take every inch he gave her has she shook and shivered on him. she wanted more and more from him, she begged and he gave in. Her eyes began to roll back the closer she got to a climax. She twitched trying to move her hips, and her pounded faster. before she knew it she was coming on him, Her screams and moans filling the night air and sky as he held her close Pounding Hard and slow. He laughed and said "wake up wake up wake up wake up".
.......... She hears a bang at the bathroom window making her jump up from the tub, water almost over flowing and bubbles all over her nose. Her neighbor sat their looking into the bathroom relieved to see she woke up to his banging, "Hey you ok you fell asleep in the tub gave me a scare there". She smiled as she rubbed her eyes and said "Thank you I'm ok." she smiled thinking back to the dream before looking back at him. "Thank you very much". He laughed and winked as he put his belt on saying "Thank you too love."
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Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Obstacles
Love, Depression, Self Worth/Loath
These are a few of the Many obstacles we face, Not just we Has woman but as A people as well, But Ladies first Gentleman. Woman Push themselves into a "Depression" (Follow me). We Stress About what we wear how good we look, if we wore the right color, The right Clothes, We worry about other women around our men. We worry about what we will eat, when we will eat. how much money goes where and who those what. We worry so much we over stress our system causing our brain To trigger our Anxiety. An when Anxiety begins to consume you, it Chips away piece by piece until you are nothing left but Black Emptiness, and when your empty you don't see a smile on your face you see a grimace. Not matter how many tons of make up you have on, if your in a designer dress, Not no one not even A blunt or some liquor will make you feel any different. We were made from the rib of Adam, "Not from the feet to be stepped on, Not From the head To rule over the man but from his side to be his EQUAL. Near the heart to be loved, and under the arm to always be held. Remember that. You are special.
As to the Men, Just because it shines doesn't mean its a diamond. Diamonds are made from coal REMEMBER THAT. All roses HAVE thorns, But not all Flowers, Get it or do I have to keep going
? STOP chasing that Fat A**, Stop Looking for the prettiest bitch in the room, because at the end of the day when your D*ck stop working what's a pair of Titties and A** going to do for you? Stop acting like you hard, Because sorry to tell you that's an emotion too. Listen to your heart and your mind for once, put your D*ck away it will do good for you. Eve was created to Be Adams Companion, Do "Ride or Die" for him, If your girl is only riding and dying for your money we got a problem. Love Doesn't HURT and it never feels wrong That goes both ways Remember That.
*Shout out to my Big Sis TT and my new friend Emile, the combination of your topics turned out great thanks for the support.
Keep reading an Email me topics at
Juliana4lyfe@gmail.com
or https://www.facebook.com/amparo.montesino
or comment*
These are a few of the Many obstacles we face, Not just we Has woman but as A people as well, But Ladies first Gentleman. Woman Push themselves into a "Depression" (Follow me). We Stress About what we wear how good we look, if we wore the right color, The right Clothes, We worry about other women around our men. We worry about what we will eat, when we will eat. how much money goes where and who those what. We worry so much we over stress our system causing our brain To trigger our Anxiety. An when Anxiety begins to consume you, it Chips away piece by piece until you are nothing left but Black Emptiness, and when your empty you don't see a smile on your face you see a grimace. Not matter how many tons of make up you have on, if your in a designer dress, Not no one not even A blunt or some liquor will make you feel any different. We were made from the rib of Adam, "Not from the feet to be stepped on, Not From the head To rule over the man but from his side to be his EQUAL. Near the heart to be loved, and under the arm to always be held. Remember that. You are special.
As to the Men, Just because it shines doesn't mean its a diamond. Diamonds are made from coal REMEMBER THAT. All roses HAVE thorns, But not all Flowers, Get it or do I have to keep going
? STOP chasing that Fat A**, Stop Looking for the prettiest bitch in the room, because at the end of the day when your D*ck stop working what's a pair of Titties and A** going to do for you? Stop acting like you hard, Because sorry to tell you that's an emotion too. Listen to your heart and your mind for once, put your D*ck away it will do good for you. Eve was created to Be Adams Companion, Do "Ride or Die" for him, If your girl is only riding and dying for your money we got a problem. Love Doesn't HURT and it never feels wrong That goes both ways Remember That.
*Shout out to my Big Sis TT and my new friend Emile, the combination of your topics turned out great thanks for the support.
Keep reading an Email me topics at
Juliana4lyfe@gmail.com
or https://www.facebook.com/amparo.montesino
or comment*
Take Me To Church
Me: Bless me Father for I have Sinned
Father: What is that brings you to confession today?
Me: Well its a long story Father
Father: Speak We Have Time
Me: Okay!
Bless me father for I have sinned
Listening to the Demons that I have within uh.
Just sit back while I spit my rhyme
The fastest we get to do this fits better with
The Time.
I bite The fruit from the forbidden tree
Hate and Destruction is all I see
I Look back at the Future
Got to keep running cause I know its
coming sooner And
I'm confused On what's next for me
Messing with a force called
Destiny.
is this really what's left?
I know I'm denying god
By questioning Death.
Father please bless Me for I have sin
Father: My child There is no hope for you there is
no Good left within.
Father: What is that brings you to confession today?
Me: Well its a long story Father
Father: Speak We Have Time
Me: Okay!
Bless me father for I have sinned
Listening to the Demons that I have within uh.
Just sit back while I spit my rhyme
The fastest we get to do this fits better with
The Time.
I bite The fruit from the forbidden tree
Hate and Destruction is all I see
I Look back at the Future
Got to keep running cause I know its
coming sooner And
I'm confused On what's next for me
Messing with a force called
Destiny.
is this really what's left?
I know I'm denying god
By questioning Death.
Father please bless Me for I have sin
Father: My child There is no hope for you there is
no Good left within.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
And To The Men/Boys
Dear Men/Boys,
Because I couldn't leave it just at the ladies, Why do you feel the need to "Step out?" Why not settling down with a girl who excepts the situation as it is, Rather damaging the hearts and Pride of the ones who Don't? Ask yourself this, When and if you have a Daughter would you laugh when she is crying because the same thing you did to your ex woman has happened to her? Will you Dap up the boy who convinced your daughter that he loves her just to get the one thing you vowed to Protect the day she was born? DON'T BE A HYPOCRITE. you have to understand that you reflect that image to the younger Generation as well. you contribute to their mind their wisdom, and their Intellect. You can not abandon your Duties, it is a MANS job to guide and LEAD.
Boys why do you believe its exceptable to do what you do? Why is it ok for you to job to one girl to the next not bothered by the hearts you destroyed along your path? Is t because your Brother Father Street Crew, Hood N*GGAS so it? if Yes then WHY THE F*CK YOU BEING A FOLLOWER FOR??? stand up and make that change for yourself, Don't stoop to others standards just to be accepted break the cycle be different!!!!! Men/Boys you are also worth way more then that. There will come a day where you find that one girl you would settle down with, But you f*cked it all up cause she only see's your past in you. How you going to advice the woman around you to leave their men when there is no difference between the two of you. Men/Boys I have a challenge for you every day look yourself in the mirror and remember this, Would you be smiling if your Daughter/Mother/Sister/Aunt/Niece Etc was dating someone like you; Would you be smiling.
As for the Trifling Disrespecting a** I don't Give F*ck type ignorant dudes, GROW THE F*CK UP. stop acting like the world revolves around your dick because it don't. You are mimiscule compared to the world around you. you stomp on broken woman to make yourself feel like a man or simply because you are not man enough in some places ;).... Let the girl be loved by someone who is going to love HER. If you need a support system (financially) move back in with your moms, Or get your a** up and get a JOB!!!!
*Thanks for reading... remember to email me Ideas
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or just comment*
Because I couldn't leave it just at the ladies, Why do you feel the need to "Step out?" Why not settling down with a girl who excepts the situation as it is, Rather damaging the hearts and Pride of the ones who Don't? Ask yourself this, When and if you have a Daughter would you laugh when she is crying because the same thing you did to your ex woman has happened to her? Will you Dap up the boy who convinced your daughter that he loves her just to get the one thing you vowed to Protect the day she was born? DON'T BE A HYPOCRITE. you have to understand that you reflect that image to the younger Generation as well. you contribute to their mind their wisdom, and their Intellect. You can not abandon your Duties, it is a MANS job to guide and LEAD.
Boys why do you believe its exceptable to do what you do? Why is it ok for you to job to one girl to the next not bothered by the hearts you destroyed along your path? Is t because your Brother Father Street Crew, Hood N*GGAS so it? if Yes then WHY THE F*CK YOU BEING A FOLLOWER FOR??? stand up and make that change for yourself, Don't stoop to others standards just to be accepted break the cycle be different!!!!! Men/Boys you are also worth way more then that. There will come a day where you find that one girl you would settle down with, But you f*cked it all up cause she only see's your past in you. How you going to advice the woman around you to leave their men when there is no difference between the two of you. Men/Boys I have a challenge for you every day look yourself in the mirror and remember this, Would you be smiling if your Daughter/Mother/Sister/Aunt/Niece Etc was dating someone like you; Would you be smiling.
As for the Trifling Disrespecting a** I don't Give F*ck type ignorant dudes, GROW THE F*CK UP. stop acting like the world revolves around your dick because it don't. You are mimiscule compared to the world around you. you stomp on broken woman to make yourself feel like a man or simply because you are not man enough in some places ;).... Let the girl be loved by someone who is going to love HER. If you need a support system (financially) move back in with your moms, Or get your a** up and get a JOB!!!!
*Thanks for reading... remember to email me Ideas
Juliana4lyfe@gmail.com
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or just comment*
To The Ladies On the Side......
Listen up Ladies...
Yes you , you Know who you are.. Those girls who are proud to preach YEAAAHH i slept with that bitch Man annnnnnd!!!! That stupid shit. Those Girls who see themselves so low they even stay loyal to another girls man. Now this original Is suppose to be a Diss Piece but let me Preach to yall ladies for a second. By under NO MEANS should you ever be Proud to say Or do any of those things. "Being A side Chick" Is not nor will it ever be Cute. Now Real Man will Let you be at the Side Nor will he Have a side. A Man that Truly Loves you will Put you FIRST above everything and any B*TCH. IF the LOVE DONT feel RIGHT it isn't. You were Made In ways that Even science Have yet to Know. Your Beauty goes beyond Physical Remember that it something so Priceless That even The Prettiest Of B*tches will ENVY you,
Now a man understands the value of LOYALTY and the value or RESPECT. When a man who loves you truly loves you he will not see your flaws he will see beauty. you have to remember I'm saying MAN. A little Boy would have got pissed off and clicked out of this blog just because its the truth. I used to think that maybe the guy I always wanted would never want me. I thought I was too "Fat" (Some People called Me). Or I thought I wasn't pretty enough. Until One day someone showed me different, He showed me that I should be loved besides my Size, My Height, My Curves, My Hair, The list can go on but the point is that When a man Loves you. You WILL never be second place in his heart or in his Mind.
But to touch on those trifling h*es the one who purposely go after the boys who got girls because they know they are able to, CUT THAT SH*T OUT. you were and if not WILL be in the same situation but DOGS WILL BE DOGS. its up to you has woman to control the cookie, and if TREY SONGZ fine a** still single there IS another fine A** dude out there sitting out there PROBABLY looking for you, but you acting so immature and CHILDISH. Don't act DUMB p*ssy is P*SSY. YOU are at the SIDE. if he didn't leave his girl before he started fucking with you chances are he isn't. This boy you looked for (Who STILL got a girl and you KNOW) Is not thinking of you. He throws out "I love you", to make you SHUT UP and F*CK him. He says "I'll leave Her". To make you SHUT UP and F*CK him. This boy does not care about you especially if he got a main. he came to hit it and bounce, go straight to his Mains crib and do what he got to do. Most likely spending the money you gave him on her. Stop playing Dumb, Stop playing the Victim and Stop being Trifling. Your worth more then that.
I'm going to end this blog on that note because this a topic that could go on for hours, A lot of days girls don't value their self worth, And in the end the results follow with another generation growing up with disrespectful views of Woman, Negative Views on woman, and Even teaching our girls that this behavior is ok. We have to STOP THE CYCLE, we cant let these views enter our children's Minds or infiltrate their thoughts. its stop like this that caused bitter battles between the Men and woman of our nation Simply because a man couldn't keep it in his pants, and his Mistress Just couldn't say no.
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AT
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I don't Bite*
Yes you , you Know who you are.. Those girls who are proud to preach YEAAAHH i slept with that bitch Man annnnnnd!!!! That stupid shit. Those Girls who see themselves so low they even stay loyal to another girls man. Now this original Is suppose to be a Diss Piece but let me Preach to yall ladies for a second. By under NO MEANS should you ever be Proud to say Or do any of those things. "Being A side Chick" Is not nor will it ever be Cute. Now Real Man will Let you be at the Side Nor will he Have a side. A Man that Truly Loves you will Put you FIRST above everything and any B*TCH. IF the LOVE DONT feel RIGHT it isn't. You were Made In ways that Even science Have yet to Know. Your Beauty goes beyond Physical Remember that it something so Priceless That even The Prettiest Of B*tches will ENVY you,
Now a man understands the value of LOYALTY and the value or RESPECT. When a man who loves you truly loves you he will not see your flaws he will see beauty. you have to remember I'm saying MAN. A little Boy would have got pissed off and clicked out of this blog just because its the truth. I used to think that maybe the guy I always wanted would never want me. I thought I was too "Fat" (Some People called Me). Or I thought I wasn't pretty enough. Until One day someone showed me different, He showed me that I should be loved besides my Size, My Height, My Curves, My Hair, The list can go on but the point is that When a man Loves you. You WILL never be second place in his heart or in his Mind.
But to touch on those trifling h*es the one who purposely go after the boys who got girls because they know they are able to, CUT THAT SH*T OUT. you were and if not WILL be in the same situation but DOGS WILL BE DOGS. its up to you has woman to control the cookie, and if TREY SONGZ fine a** still single there IS another fine A** dude out there sitting out there PROBABLY looking for you, but you acting so immature and CHILDISH. Don't act DUMB p*ssy is P*SSY. YOU are at the SIDE. if he didn't leave his girl before he started fucking with you chances are he isn't. This boy you looked for (Who STILL got a girl and you KNOW) Is not thinking of you. He throws out "I love you", to make you SHUT UP and F*CK him. He says "I'll leave Her". To make you SHUT UP and F*CK him. This boy does not care about you especially if he got a main. he came to hit it and bounce, go straight to his Mains crib and do what he got to do. Most likely spending the money you gave him on her. Stop playing Dumb, Stop playing the Victim and Stop being Trifling. Your worth more then that.
I'm going to end this blog on that note because this a topic that could go on for hours, A lot of days girls don't value their self worth, And in the end the results follow with another generation growing up with disrespectful views of Woman, Negative Views on woman, and Even teaching our girls that this behavior is ok. We have to STOP THE CYCLE, we cant let these views enter our children's Minds or infiltrate their thoughts. its stop like this that caused bitter battles between the Men and woman of our nation Simply because a man couldn't keep it in his pants, and his Mistress Just couldn't say no.
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I don't Bite*
My Comng Out Story
My coming out story is almost typical, was 13 was about to enter 7th grade and it was like almost everybody knew. I didn't like tight clothes, I HATE the color pink, i'd rather play football with the boys then go shopping with the girls. To me I always thought I liked girls. I was afraid to tell my mother because she was and in some ways still is Highly Homophobic. I didn't want to talk with anybody in my school because no one would understand, and I didn't want to walk around with a Staff buddy to prevent me from "acting out" my tendencies. I thought to myself Maybe its a phase like everything else, Maybe this was part of me Growing up. I can still think back to my first Crush Alana. I didn't know why I liked the way her hair would slightly frizz when it got near heat. I didn't understand why when she smiled my heart skipped 1 million beats. But most of all I Didn't understand me.
I grew up always aiming to please the adults around me, and I knew what liking a girl would do to me and my mothers already estranged relationship. All I could do was look at the girls I liked and not say a word when they asked "So who do you have a crush on." It took me about 1 and 1/2 years after meeting Alana , to finally except my "Situation". it was a school field trip to Six flags and every one went. Every Boy Every girl I knew, All in one Crowded but A/C bus. Most kids sat with their friends their boy/girlfriends or by themselves. a girl who had recently came to my school named Diana asked me, "Do you have a boyfriend?" to which every boy laughed and shouted "Hell no Not Ampablo!!!!" My face turned red and I pushed myself harder into the bus window begging and hoping she would look away and leave me alone. BUT she continued "Do you have a girl." I felt as if I was in a movie because the silence was eerie. almost as if the bus Driver also wanted to hear me.
I looked around My bus and seen all the kids eyes on my and embarrassment was all that was on my face as I shook my head no. The girl looked at me calmly said "Why not." The question rang in my head like a bell. The questioned left me stunned, the bus rode in silence. When we all had our fun and it was time to go we piled back into the bus this time sitting beside me is Alana and on the other Diana, and of course the squad of jock monkeys. Alanas head was buried in a book, her hair over shoulder and was watching her secretly. Diana turned to me and said "do you like boys or girls?" Alana looked up as did the rest of the bus again all eyes and ears on me. I shrugged my shoulders. because I honestly didn't know. I knew I liked boys because well... I didn't know at the time I had a crush on ne-yo and sean paul but that could just be "Girl" stuff right? I didn't know I liked girls I just knew I found some so beautiful. All the attention that was on me began to die down before one of the monkeys shouted "Good no boy would've dated you anyway".
Embarrassed I look down and try to ignore the laughter before I hear a boy and a familiar voice saying "I would". I looked up to the Most popular boy in the 8th Grade and Alana standing there. They both Smiled and me and sat close to me and we all talked the whole ride back to boston. it was the first time I felt at peace with myself because I was honest. I didn't know if I liked Girls, I just know I did. I didn't know I liked boys I just knew I did. I feared people would judge because of my preference when in all reality It was me that was truly Judging myself. I gained two Best Friends and a girlfriend....
*Thanks for readin comment your coming out story ... keep reading follow me Email me Idead.. Thanks to my New Prima Emily love you boo for the topic.*
I grew up always aiming to please the adults around me, and I knew what liking a girl would do to me and my mothers already estranged relationship. All I could do was look at the girls I liked and not say a word when they asked "So who do you have a crush on." It took me about 1 and 1/2 years after meeting Alana , to finally except my "Situation". it was a school field trip to Six flags and every one went. Every Boy Every girl I knew, All in one Crowded but A/C bus. Most kids sat with their friends their boy/girlfriends or by themselves. a girl who had recently came to my school named Diana asked me, "Do you have a boyfriend?" to which every boy laughed and shouted "Hell no Not Ampablo!!!!" My face turned red and I pushed myself harder into the bus window begging and hoping she would look away and leave me alone. BUT she continued "Do you have a girl." I felt as if I was in a movie because the silence was eerie. almost as if the bus Driver also wanted to hear me.
I looked around My bus and seen all the kids eyes on my and embarrassment was all that was on my face as I shook my head no. The girl looked at me calmly said "Why not." The question rang in my head like a bell. The questioned left me stunned, the bus rode in silence. When we all had our fun and it was time to go we piled back into the bus this time sitting beside me is Alana and on the other Diana, and of course the squad of jock monkeys. Alanas head was buried in a book, her hair over shoulder and was watching her secretly. Diana turned to me and said "do you like boys or girls?" Alana looked up as did the rest of the bus again all eyes and ears on me. I shrugged my shoulders. because I honestly didn't know. I knew I liked boys because well... I didn't know at the time I had a crush on ne-yo and sean paul but that could just be "Girl" stuff right? I didn't know I liked girls I just knew I found some so beautiful. All the attention that was on me began to die down before one of the monkeys shouted "Good no boy would've dated you anyway".
Embarrassed I look down and try to ignore the laughter before I hear a boy and a familiar voice saying "I would". I looked up to the Most popular boy in the 8th Grade and Alana standing there. They both Smiled and me and sat close to me and we all talked the whole ride back to boston. it was the first time I felt at peace with myself because I was honest. I didn't know if I liked Girls, I just know I did. I didn't know I liked boys I just knew I did. I feared people would judge because of my preference when in all reality It was me that was truly Judging myself. I gained two Best Friends and a girlfriend....
*Thanks for readin comment your coming out story ... keep reading follow me Email me Idead.. Thanks to my New Prima Emily love you boo for the topic.*
Sick & Tired
Have you ever sat back and realized your tired of the situations happening around you? Your tired of waking up to another argument, Your tired of people pushing you and breaking you in was that your mind becomes sick with madness. You try and try to constantly fit their image of perfection when you where made perfectly. There is a constant battle within yourself because you refuse to listen. and even has the tears still roll down your face, and you think its going to be different it all remains the same.
Your love for this person becomes a problem when you refuse to look in the mirror and LOVE yourself because you are to be busy, Loving someone not even worth a percentage of you. Your Love for this person becomes a problem, when you push away the people you love because they tell you to leave. remember Blood will always be thicker then water but both can be tainted. You must first LOVE yourself so that when love true love passes you by, you will know the difference.
The heart wants what it wants that is true, what you might think is love could just be that every weekend he/she gets you shoes. Your speaks but very simply, You might just have a "love" for how they treat you, and how they speak to you. love is very blind in ways deeper then we understand, your heart KNOWS take your time to listen, do not stay somewhere, where you are not happy just because of the terms and conditions. Love yourself and then you'll be able to love someone else... its simple.
*Shout out to my big Sis Carmen for the Idea... and thanks to my readers.... Email me topics at Juliana4lyfe@gmail.com or Comment!!!*
Your love for this person becomes a problem when you refuse to look in the mirror and LOVE yourself because you are to be busy, Loving someone not even worth a percentage of you. Your Love for this person becomes a problem, when you push away the people you love because they tell you to leave. remember Blood will always be thicker then water but both can be tainted. You must first LOVE yourself so that when love true love passes you by, you will know the difference.
The heart wants what it wants that is true, what you might think is love could just be that every weekend he/she gets you shoes. Your speaks but very simply, You might just have a "love" for how they treat you, and how they speak to you. love is very blind in ways deeper then we understand, your heart KNOWS take your time to listen, do not stay somewhere, where you are not happy just because of the terms and conditions. Love yourself and then you'll be able to love someone else... its simple.
*Shout out to my big Sis Carmen for the Idea... and thanks to my readers.... Email me topics at Juliana4lyfe@gmail.com or Comment!!!*
Dear Mr. Steve Wilkos
Dear Steve,
This blog is for you, today as I watched the Steve W. Show that you Mr. Wilkos have Changed A lot. Don't get me wrong in some ways it was better for you to be the brutally honest opinionated Host, (Also my opinion) But in others its better for you to be the way you are now. I can honestly admit to skipping over your shows in the morning, Simply because you were so judgmental a lot of the times to innocent people. To me it Just wasn't fair that being the Host it was ok and almost expected of you to do that. I Do not want to force my opinion on you neither, But if there ever comes a Day where you had pasted this blog I hope you took the time to read it.
I would Much prefer to see a combination of the old Steve Meets New Steve. The connection alone of the two different "Personalities" (New/Old Steve) Will create the most unique of devils advocates in my eyes. I also believe a liar tells the truth when you are TO calm and when you Change the formation of your questions but repeat them often. A lot of ways I Judged people on your show and found innocence in them after the Lie detector test. I feel As if the change you present now is from the experience of that alone and I'm Proud to call you a Good ROLE MODEL. You showed that TIME and EXPERIENCE are what Truly Change people. You showed that with DEDICTION you can achieve your dreams, You can learn to Fix what others call "Bad Habits" And You can learn to Understand and LEARN from others mistakes and pains to prevent your own.
A lot of the times I expect you to explode or like before when you felt they were undeserving to sit on your stage tell to get up and toss or throw the Chair. (Maybe Mrs. Wilkos Changed it) But lately you nearly ask Politely and I found more Respect in that. I always seen tv host as devils Advocates, Meaning You play for Both Sides, When they say Ney you say what if its yes, at all times. When they say Yes you look and say why no at all times. Picture what I'm suggesting (people follow me). When you go to the Debate you have TWO teams, And one "Devils Advocate". The Teams Debate and when they call on D.A He simply provides and opinion on both the sides, That Push them to Think Harder On why theirs is correct and also Solving the Debate within themselves, Pressuring hem to reveal more knowledge they Previously thought they didn't have (Get it.). All I'm Saying Mr. Wilkos Who ever told you to Change wither it be the Producers/Tv Company/Mrs. Wilkos, You didn't have to do the whole 360 in my Opinion a 180 would have been Perfect.
I hope that one day eventually you get to read this and think about what I have said. I have new found Respect for you Steve. Haha I still remember watching you on Jerry Springer. (A lot of people in this world still don't know that so sad) But thanks for reading wither it be you or my Daily Readers .
*Write you later people thanks to Tianna (Name changed as asked by receiver) for Emailing me the Idea .... Comment or Email me Juliana4lyfe@gmail.com Ideas*
This blog is for you, today as I watched the Steve W. Show that you Mr. Wilkos have Changed A lot. Don't get me wrong in some ways it was better for you to be the brutally honest opinionated Host, (Also my opinion) But in others its better for you to be the way you are now. I can honestly admit to skipping over your shows in the morning, Simply because you were so judgmental a lot of the times to innocent people. To me it Just wasn't fair that being the Host it was ok and almost expected of you to do that. I Do not want to force my opinion on you neither, But if there ever comes a Day where you had pasted this blog I hope you took the time to read it.
I would Much prefer to see a combination of the old Steve Meets New Steve. The connection alone of the two different "Personalities" (New/Old Steve) Will create the most unique of devils advocates in my eyes. I also believe a liar tells the truth when you are TO calm and when you Change the formation of your questions but repeat them often. A lot of ways I Judged people on your show and found innocence in them after the Lie detector test. I feel As if the change you present now is from the experience of that alone and I'm Proud to call you a Good ROLE MODEL. You showed that TIME and EXPERIENCE are what Truly Change people. You showed that with DEDICTION you can achieve your dreams, You can learn to Fix what others call "Bad Habits" And You can learn to Understand and LEARN from others mistakes and pains to prevent your own.
A lot of the times I expect you to explode or like before when you felt they were undeserving to sit on your stage tell to get up and toss or throw the Chair. (Maybe Mrs. Wilkos Changed it) But lately you nearly ask Politely and I found more Respect in that. I always seen tv host as devils Advocates, Meaning You play for Both Sides, When they say Ney you say what if its yes, at all times. When they say Yes you look and say why no at all times. Picture what I'm suggesting (people follow me). When you go to the Debate you have TWO teams, And one "Devils Advocate". The Teams Debate and when they call on D.A He simply provides and opinion on both the sides, That Push them to Think Harder On why theirs is correct and also Solving the Debate within themselves, Pressuring hem to reveal more knowledge they Previously thought they didn't have (Get it.). All I'm Saying Mr. Wilkos Who ever told you to Change wither it be the Producers/Tv Company/Mrs. Wilkos, You didn't have to do the whole 360 in my Opinion a 180 would have been Perfect.
I hope that one day eventually you get to read this and think about what I have said. I have new found Respect for you Steve. Haha I still remember watching you on Jerry Springer. (A lot of people in this world still don't know that so sad) But thanks for reading wither it be you or my Daily Readers .
*Write you later people thanks to Tianna (Name changed as asked by receiver) for Emailing me the Idea .... Comment or Email me Juliana4lyfe@gmail.com Ideas*
Monday, May 18, 2015
You can lead a horse to water...
I know y'all heard it the same line over and over again. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink. Now many people don't understand the meaning of this, even I still have a hard time understanding but I'll explain the best I can. If you ever been in a situation where someone you love or care about are dealing with PEOPLE, or THINGS, you honestly and truly believe they shouldn't; But even with the whole world showing them exactly what your seeing you cant make them leave. Don't get me wrong everyone grows and learns at their own pace, but for those of us who see beyond the future; the idiocy that come from the situation itself annoy you in ways that make you want to smack the FU*K out of them. But you Don't because you doubt they'll see it even after that. But you honestly have to realize my darlings, the HEART wants what it wants. Simple as that. Do NOT deny That you have been in their feet. Everyone and their momma telling you not to be with him/her. so you realize that But you has their friend, Just stand at the side and watch and help when you can.
Think about it carefully before you approach your friend/family about situations like these, love is blind. A lot of the times they do not realize they are in the situation the are in because they are in love with the other person, or in love with the situation (More Description in Deception Blog) You can not force yourself to see someone else's judgment, and you can not force your opinion on them. The world works in ways that are very unknown. The very same thing you may get on someone's nerves for, that you have no idea why you are, may very well be the same thing that gets on your nerves abut them in this very moment. take a second to realize your surroundings because those are the strongest forces around you. Don't forget the people who loved you before and after relationships, Because they were there first simple as that.
So start to end this blog I want to end on a note that in ways this blog is my escape to the exact same things I mention in this Blog. I'm not proud to admit it, but neither am I Ashamed of it. I understand the ramifications of being with someone that always make excuses for. you shouldn't have to excuse anyone for who and what they are doing remember that and love will always come to you blessed believe me...
*Thanks to my regular readers Don't be afraid to comment your opinions Please speak your Mind... and if anyone has any topics the want me to write about just comment*
Think about it carefully before you approach your friend/family about situations like these, love is blind. A lot of the times they do not realize they are in the situation the are in because they are in love with the other person, or in love with the situation (More Description in Deception Blog) You can not force yourself to see someone else's judgment, and you can not force your opinion on them. The world works in ways that are very unknown. The very same thing you may get on someone's nerves for, that you have no idea why you are, may very well be the same thing that gets on your nerves abut them in this very moment. take a second to realize your surroundings because those are the strongest forces around you. Don't forget the people who loved you before and after relationships, Because they were there first simple as that.
So start to end this blog I want to end on a note that in ways this blog is my escape to the exact same things I mention in this Blog. I'm not proud to admit it, but neither am I Ashamed of it. I understand the ramifications of being with someone that always make excuses for. you shouldn't have to excuse anyone for who and what they are doing remember that and love will always come to you blessed believe me...
*Thanks to my regular readers Don't be afraid to comment your opinions Please speak your Mind... and if anyone has any topics the want me to write about just comment*
Its A new day
It's a new day and everything is different. The guy that I thought loved me and I was in love w. As changed in ways that I find intolerable. I was damn near homeless but my favorite Unk in the world came and rescued me. Now I got my one bedroom soon to have everything laid out and set. I'm not happy but I'm living anyone got topics they would like me to talk about
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Deception+hurt=HeartBreak
Every ones been there, and don't count out the men. The first love the committed trust that you place within them. All your secrets and tears your dreams and hopes on your future with who you consider the "one". for them to start with the lies. they tell you i'm coming yet never show something your not used to. then they start to accuse you or act different towards you, some might have experienced degrading remarks from the man or woman they love. Every single inch of your body and mind tells you to leave and run or that they are running around you. but you constantly make that excuse for them in hopes that the lies you tell yourself you will believe. you pressure and pressure yourself to believe in a love that was never there because in all reality it was the thrill of the ride they were into. the thought and taste of flesh and purity that came from your skin is something they couldn't really do with out. But at the same time their running tired of the bullshit they were facing was nothing but the usual. They were used to (men/woman) you. Not you but the same (woman/men) people like you that fell for the same tricks and smiles to lure you in until your hooked. i'm not saying every ones the same but they done it before.
The tricks about situations like this is that you've become addicted to the fake love. You become victim to a never ending cycle of remaining the victim, or turning into an attacker for you become addicted not to the person and the way they are themselves No, you become addicted to feeling of a relief of heart break. The relief that they still love you and always had and that they would make your dream come true. While every one around you pulls their hair out heading to the dollar store to buy you ass some cheap ass paper towels, to help your ass dry your tears, for you to return. it isn't until your able to see your situation through someone else's eyes for you to realize that in fact your heart has been broken and remains broken do to the fact your looking for love in the wrong places... for you to really know what love feels like you must first love yourself it was a lesson I had to learn and everyone must go through..
The tricks about situations like this is that you've become addicted to the fake love. You become victim to a never ending cycle of remaining the victim, or turning into an attacker for you become addicted not to the person and the way they are themselves No, you become addicted to feeling of a relief of heart break. The relief that they still love you and always had and that they would make your dream come true. While every one around you pulls their hair out heading to the dollar store to buy you ass some cheap ass paper towels, to help your ass dry your tears, for you to return. it isn't until your able to see your situation through someone else's eyes for you to realize that in fact your heart has been broken and remains broken do to the fact your looking for love in the wrong places... for you to really know what love feels like you must first love yourself it was a lesson I had to learn and everyone must go through..
I Miss beng 13
Yes I know sounds crazy right? how could any one in their right mind miss that? but you miss understand me. I was the average middle class kid, I always managed to buy something from the store (money obviously from my parents) my room was always clean (obviously from my parents). Had the coolest toys (also my parents) food Made, Clothes washed, Clothes bought they all caqme from my parents. But at 13 I didn't see that. I didn't see that I had a free lace to live shit and eat. I didn't see that n had a personal maid clock and teddy bear. most importantly I didn't see I had th best two best friends a child could ask for.
what I seen at 13 was two over bearing adults constantly nagging at me, telling me what to do, not letting me wear what I want when I want and didn't let me go hang out with friends. at 13 was fearless I thought nothing could happen to me and I wanted to be OUTSIDE. I wanted a boyfriend a cellphone and wanted to stay nights with my bestie Sandra. My Mother wasn't haven't that.she couldn't tell me but back in 2008 to 2009 boston wasn't safe. everyday on the news there was kids falling off roofs to getting stabbed. there was on day on my school bus we were told to face the left because the was a brutal stabbing of a teen on Washington st and erie st. There was another time my school got into lockdown because and eight grader of ours named Steven Odom was shot outside the building. there even was another little girl who was accidentally shot by a stray bullet which has bound a wheel chair for life asking the suspect just for an apology. but I didn't see that because I wasn't allowed to see it.
my other best friend was my sister, I mean she was the only one I cold hang out with, im thankful for that everyday. I think maybe if I was given a reason as to why I wasn't allowed to do some much I would've listened instead of wanting to rebel. But now that I'm much older I can look back and understand why. losing someone your close to alone is the biggest pain and hardest thing to go through. even animals suffer so imagine the loss of your child. My parents weren't restricting me the were saving my youth. they didn't want their baby to grow up and I can finally say I understand that now. if I can go back to a time were I was careless I had to say, that I miss being 13.
{Comment the ae you miss or wish you could be if you'd like :) }
what I seen at 13 was two over bearing adults constantly nagging at me, telling me what to do, not letting me wear what I want when I want and didn't let me go hang out with friends. at 13 was fearless I thought nothing could happen to me and I wanted to be OUTSIDE. I wanted a boyfriend a cellphone and wanted to stay nights with my bestie Sandra. My Mother wasn't haven't that.she couldn't tell me but back in 2008 to 2009 boston wasn't safe. everyday on the news there was kids falling off roofs to getting stabbed. there was on day on my school bus we were told to face the left because the was a brutal stabbing of a teen on Washington st and erie st. There was another time my school got into lockdown because and eight grader of ours named Steven Odom was shot outside the building. there even was another little girl who was accidentally shot by a stray bullet which has bound a wheel chair for life asking the suspect just for an apology. but I didn't see that because I wasn't allowed to see it.
my other best friend was my sister, I mean she was the only one I cold hang out with, im thankful for that everyday. I think maybe if I was given a reason as to why I wasn't allowed to do some much I would've listened instead of wanting to rebel. But now that I'm much older I can look back and understand why. losing someone your close to alone is the biggest pain and hardest thing to go through. even animals suffer so imagine the loss of your child. My parents weren't restricting me the were saving my youth. they didn't want their baby to grow up and I can finally say I understand that now. if I can go back to a time were I was careless I had to say, that I miss being 13.
{Comment the ae you miss or wish you could be if you'd like :) }
Smoke The Mary Jane and Get High!!!!
In life I always heard people judge others on their preference of drugs... and or the urge not to indulge in the unexpected. I used to be one of those people sitting on the out skirts looking in not wanting to associate with anyone who even remotely smoked a cigarette, to a girl who can roll a blunt in the average 2 minutes. (not that I am bragging or impressed). Others might assume that being a typical Puerto Rican and Cuban born and raised in Boston, that Statistically I was bound by "destiny" to end up into a smoking delinquent I am. No that is incorrect some of the smartest kids and people I know are pot smokers. NO im not telling anyone to smoke. im telling my side... Everyone who knows me will tell you I am completely stubborn.. you cant make me do anything I do not want to do.... I do not look at magazines and wish to be the skinniest girl in the book, for what im proud of every curve on this body and temple the lord has blessed me with... I do not run to the stores or online sites when a new beauty product is released... when everyone went through a "punk" phase was still in my girly phase. when all my friends liked boys I was into rock. So how does a girl like me get pulled into smoking weed well lets put it like this.
Ive never seen ANYBODY with a blunt in their hand unhappy. Yes the jokes comedians make about potheads losing their jobs and randomly rolling a blunt and smoking is true. You could have the crappiest day in the world and I guarantee that blunt WILL make you forget... My first blunt was nothing but simple... some good good wrapped in a fronto. I didn't want to smoke, but I did want to be so much like my sister (until realized she too was a bitch) she enjoyed it. she was actually smiling with out the constant bottle stuck to her hand. so tried it. that still was not enough to get me to smoke it. the kids around me smoked and I would always decline it. it wasn't until one day in 2012, where I finally decided to smoke. I was on a date and said I did to impress him before I knew I was actually agreeing to smoke. He rolled it and it was the first time weed made me feel peace. it was strange not like the first time I smoked. in felt FREE. it was what I wanted not caused by peer pressure or the pressure to be something im not, it was my choice and it made me feel good... I don't judge anybody who smokes. or choice in drugs. (unless your killing yourself) But potheads are seen as the laziest and the dumbest of almost ALL social categories. well guess what A pothead just Made a Powerful Blog.
Ive never seen ANYBODY with a blunt in their hand unhappy. Yes the jokes comedians make about potheads losing their jobs and randomly rolling a blunt and smoking is true. You could have the crappiest day in the world and I guarantee that blunt WILL make you forget... My first blunt was nothing but simple... some good good wrapped in a fronto. I didn't want to smoke, but I did want to be so much like my sister (until realized she too was a bitch) she enjoyed it. she was actually smiling with out the constant bottle stuck to her hand. so tried it. that still was not enough to get me to smoke it. the kids around me smoked and I would always decline it. it wasn't until one day in 2012, where I finally decided to smoke. I was on a date and said I did to impress him before I knew I was actually agreeing to smoke. He rolled it and it was the first time weed made me feel peace. it was strange not like the first time I smoked. in felt FREE. it was what I wanted not caused by peer pressure or the pressure to be something im not, it was my choice and it made me feel good... I don't judge anybody who smokes. or choice in drugs. (unless your killing yourself) But potheads are seen as the laziest and the dumbest of almost ALL social categories. well guess what A pothead just Made a Powerful Blog.
FML
So lately every thing has just been driving me crazy. ive been running endless beyond endless circles in my head just trying to figure out who I am and what im here for in lfe. not to mention the endless draining and aggravating sounds that penetrate from the person who birth me all the while I sit here blank wondering where the fuck did it all go wrong. I was so happy so full of life and energy so full of excitement of the expectation of a falsely advertised reality. AM I HAPPY? well that's a good question to be perceived in different ways. I am happy that I lived a better life then most... I am happy to say that I survived what was sent out to kill me.... but im not happy with my surroundings no I am not happy with the people around me and no I am not happy with who ive become. adulthood fucked me up.... yet helped me in so many ways...... My teenager years of frivalice flocking amongst the dumbest of boys, all for the shallowest of reasons their 'looks" now don't get me wrong you can judge someone on their looks but not in that exact literal term no no no I mean the way their heart looks you know. like if their ugly on the inside fuck they aint meant for you,,,, know if they have a beautiful heart give them that try.... I stopped wasting countless energy and trys on making myself perfect for someone who isn't perfect for me.
I see the past as an reminder that maybe my future is something to look forward to. if grown past my narcissitcal urges on the spotlight remaining on me wither good or bad. then I am bound to learn from all my lessons to come. but what if I always get a bad hand and im down to my last penny placin a 2000 bet? will the mystical forces that always seemed to come at the perfect time kick in? or am I doomed n the never endin cycles of unending barrels and tumbles of dried tears nd broken hearts? have absolutely no hopes on continuing this redundant waste of time cycles. but that's just it!!! its the circle of lfe. never ending bullshit. to find peace in death only for my soul to move on and my body to be eaten by bugs rats and worms.... I look to the future in hopes that one day eventually ill fnd the secret of life, before my maker calls me home.... and at the final end to all this crap ill still be seen as nothing.
I see the past as an reminder that maybe my future is something to look forward to. if grown past my narcissitcal urges on the spotlight remaining on me wither good or bad. then I am bound to learn from all my lessons to come. but what if I always get a bad hand and im down to my last penny placin a 2000 bet? will the mystical forces that always seemed to come at the perfect time kick in? or am I doomed n the never endin cycles of unending barrels and tumbles of dried tears nd broken hearts? have absolutely no hopes on continuing this redundant waste of time cycles. but that's just it!!! its the circle of lfe. never ending bullshit. to find peace in death only for my soul to move on and my body to be eaten by bugs rats and worms.... I look to the future in hopes that one day eventually ill fnd the secret of life, before my maker calls me home.... and at the final end to all this crap ill still be seen as nothing.
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